I consider all of my blog posts to be fueled by something. Sometimes it’s the Kombucha I’m drinking, which I have deemed “The Cancer Patient’s Champagne”. Next time I’ll drink it out of a champagne flute to look cooler than I actually am. Occasionally it will be out of pure inspiration or pure boredom depending on the day or weather. Today my writing was fueled by listening to Blondie and Billy Idol, it woke me up and got me in an incredible groove. Jamming out like it’s 1983 to “Rebel Yell”. Major props to Debbie Harry and Billy Idol...
I am gradually beginning to grasp the beauty of the unknown, of not knowing what future may hold in store for me. Both my way of thinking and physical health is a work in progress and in order to survive and emerge from this point in my life more alive than I’ve ever felt I need to prescribe myself a heavy dose of patience. It’s too bad that patience can’t be purchased at my local CVS or easily acquired by telling myself to simply “be patient”. There is something about the unknown that used to fill me with anxiety and fear, it still does, and that’s why I call it a work in progress. I hate not knowing what my bank account will look like a few months from now. I despise the fact that for the next two years I will have to wonder if my lymphoma will come back to attack my cute little cells again (here I am already worrying about this and I haven’t even beaten the cancer yet to begin with!) I speculate about what I will be doing for a living down the road because whatever I do, I want to love it, and if I don’t love it then there appears the fear and anxiety all over again. It’s normal to have fears and worries about the future, there’s no need to eliminate all of those feelings. My focus is to embrace those fears, evaluate them and don’t let them get the best of me.
What’s up fear and worry? Tr. I can handle you. I can conquer you just like I conquered 45 minutes on the stair master at the gym, my fear of needles (kind of), or you know, that thing called cancer.
I do not know everything about myself, I’m 24-years-young. What I do know, however, is that I love to be thrilled. I also adore surprises, and I have a deep affection for anything that is over-the-top and compelling. After all, that is why I live in New York City.
What is so beautiful about the unknown? How can I go from being terrified of uncertainty to finding something so charming and thrilling about it all? I am realizing that it is a pathway to adventure. Adventures are never laid out in front of us so clearly. It’s a thrill just wandering through the streets of New York with no clear direction or plan. I stop at an intersection and ask myself “should I take a right or a left?” At first I hesitate. What if I take a left turn and it’s a dull, residential street? I have certainly walked down random streets only to be completely underwhelmed, but that’s life. So, to tackle my feelings of being underwhelmed, I turn my feet back around and begin walking the other way. It’s there that I discover a street worthy of exploring and that is when I am overwhelmed, in a fantastic way.
I find the fear and anxiety surrounding the future comparable to going on a routine vacation such as a cruise or an all-inclusive resort. It’s comfortable, it’s predictable, you get your bath towels folded into elephants and monkeys, and there is an endless supply of succulent lobster tails and syrupy Pina coladas to be consumed at all hours of the day. Don’t take what I just said the wrong way though. If anyone wants to go to The Cayman Islands with me, I will oblige and join you for the predictable seafood while acquiring a fantastic bronze glow. However, is there much excitement on a vacation like that? Nope. I want to start living my life like a white water rafting trip, realizing that the whole point of it is to welcome that what may be around the corner or down the river is fun even if it’s nerve wracking at the same time. I will probably never be as casual with the unknown as Survivorman on the Discovery Channel but I’ve accepted that.
Just like everyone else, my life is a story that is still being written. Every little nanosecond that passes by is part of my story. I want my life story to be full of adventure despite any roadblocks I may be confronted with along the way.
Major props also to Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma for forcing me to be a badass and providing me with the inspiration to write and share my random musings with friends, family, and strangers.